Somedays I wish that this blog was anonymous. I wish that it wasn't Miranda's Minutes, that is was Girl Unknown's Minutes. I do not think that I am a natural writer, I stress and strain over the words and rhythm. But I enjoy being able to sort things out (maybe just a little) in my head and put it down on paper (or really I should say type it out on the computer-but you know what I mean.) I love to go back a month, a year, to see what I was thinking or what was going on. Granted, I don't have a kid that I can record every milestone, which I think is maybe the most popular reason for these kinds of blogs. But I am pre-kid ( no everyone, I'm not pregnant) and maybe someday I will look back at this time when all I had to worry about was getting myself up and to work, and what color to paint the kitchen.
But there are days when I have so much going on my head that there's no way I can sort it out here, or anywhere. I talk myself in a loop. And there's personal things that I'm not sure that I'm ready to share with the Internet. And maybe it's really not the Internet that scares me, maybe I'm not sure that I'm ready to share it with those close to me outside of the Internet.
And maybe I'm most scared of putting those thoughts out there into complete, understandable sentences (well, hopefully, I shouldn't get too ahead of myself and my grammatical abilities.) It might make them more real and more tangible and more heavy for myself. Yet I feel that if I don't allow myself to feel those depressing, hard thoughts, that maybe I will let myself just float on and someday I will look back and think "If I had only...."
I have prayed that the Lord would give me strength and patience. But the funny thing is, that He would never just give you more strength and more patience-he will give you something to work through and deal with to gain those qualities. And I read these other blogs that have such amazing stories, women who have gone through so much, and I am touched and challenged and encouraged by their stories, these women who have amazing things to say and tell. And I sit here struggling to figure out how to say anything that seems relevant or amusing or even half interesting. And then I pray, Lord-please never give me the challenges that these women have faced, I am not as good as them, and I don't know that I could survive their hardships.
And I feel like He says, don't worry about other people, you have your own story to tell. What will come, will come. Turn only to me, because you never will have the strength alone, but when you turn to me I will hold your hand and wipe your tears when needed. Do not feel useless, because I have much use for you.
So, this post, this part of my story, turned out nothing like what I started to write. And since I try not to edit out anything that I have said, I will post this-and maybe it'll seem like a bunch of nothing to most of you, but maybe one person will have that same prayer. I am not and never will be an eloquent speaker or prayer or anything, but maybe someone will get it, whatever it is that I'm saying. And maybe this is just for me, so that in a year or five or ten, I will look back and remember what I thought and said, and be able to known then how the Lord has held my hand and wiped my tears and made me useful.