praying...

Today I am believing in putting it out there, asking for help, and the power of prayer. If you could please say a quick prayer for Mark and I and our family, we would much appreciate it. Thank you!

I’m good at beginnings…

I have issues with finishing pretty much everything I do……including blog posts. Which helps to explain the lack of them. I have dozens of posts that have a few sentences. I even have some with just a few words-I don't know what the world I was talking about.

I also cannot finish any projects in my house. That's why I have half the dishes done, a couple kitchen cabinets cleaned out, the laundry mostly put away, and another blog post began. I also have rooms that need the trim touched up, two windows and a door just sitting in my living room (they're all decorative – not just like pieces of my home that are sitting around.) You see sometimes, something else just ALL of the sudden seems really important. Or perhaps my hair needs some attention right then. Or else I suddenly remember that last ice cream cone that's in th

Welcome to Wheat Harvest 2011

We have finished cutting wheat for 2011. If you're from a farming background, you know how big this is. You've put a lot of hours in, and it's your end game. It's a lot of things all at once. Exciting, nerve wrecking, there's lots of pressure. You're dealing with the whole family, and doing things that you only do once a year. There's just a little bit going on. And this was Mark's first year as a Full-time Farmer (Heck ya!) I'm so proud of him. He's living his dream and he's so happy about it. He was jumping out of bed in the morning to go spray, and start double planting beans, then cutting wheat as long as the wheat would let him. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, for him or for me. I feel kinda like a baby, complaining about not seeing him, but it was hard for me. My birthday always falls right in the middle of harvest, and so it sucks. But like I said it's all done, the wheat was better than expected (still worse than average) and the beans are almost all in. So, I'm happy to get my husband back, but I'm sad that I'll have to say goodbye to this….

That's right, he went all out for his first harvest……..and I liked it!

PCOS

I have PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically it means that it's hard for me to get pregnant. I don't ovulate regularly, if at all. PCOS is the leading cause of infertility and that is how we discovered that I had it, after unsuccessfully trying for awhile. I'll give you a little bit of our history – but I want to say that there are so many different things that go on in my head and that change about how I'm feeling day to day, that I have been scared for over a year to write this post. But I'll explain that more in a little bit.

Mark and I stopped using any form of birth control after we had been married for about 9 months. I always imagined having kids really young, and I also always thought that I was probably going to have a hard time getting pregnant because I was so irregular and that's why I had been on birth control since my sophomore year of college. After about a year and a half of no birth control, not really thinking about what day of my cycle I was, and nothing happening – I wanted to go to the Dr. I know it takes two years, sometimes it takes longer, I knew all that stuff but I was still worried. And so I went to the Dr., I explained what was going on, she ordered a sonogram and it was pretty clear from the beginning that I had PCOS. So we started on Metformin, an anti-diabetic that has shown to help women with PCOS. And it helped-right away my periods became more regular. I also lost 10 pounds because my testosterone levels went down. We tried that for awhile…still nothing. So Mark went to the Dr. and found out he had a low sperm count. So he went on meds, and his Doctor recommended we look into IUIs. Intrauterine Insemination. Basically AI for my cattle friends. We were happy to find that a clinic in the town 35 minutes from us did IUIs and that we weren't going to have to travel over 2 hours for this. After meeting with the Doctor from the clinic, I was put on Chlomid, along with my Metformin. Mark was put on Chlomid to keep his numbers up and I started to feel like there was some hope. It's been 6 more months since that meeting, and still nothing. We have only managed to do 2 IUIs, along with a whole lot of old fashioned baby-making with all of us all drugged up. And still…..nothing. That's made it 3 years since I went off bc. And I swear, if anyone tells me, well you weren't really "trying" for 3 years so don't worry – I will scream. Just because I wasn't counting days and I wasn't regular and wasn't on a whole bunch of meds that are supposed to make this thing work…doesn't mean that I didn't hurt every time I got a Negative on my little stick.

And so, where exactly does that leave me now? Hurt, scared, exhausted, emotional (Good Golly I'm emotional). But also guilty and ashamed and mainly just sad. Call me crazy (and many will) but I always imagined in my mind that I would have my fourth baby by the time I was 31-32ish. And I know I'm still a long way from there (I just turned 26 on Thursday) but it feels like those years are coming on a lot quicker than I ever thought with not a bunch of hope for our current methods. But at the same time, I also feel guilty for all these feelings. There are women who have been trying for 8 Years-10 Years, women who have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, women who have been dealing with these feelings for so much longer, that I almost feel as if I have no right to feel sad, hurt, scared, and exhausted.

I have started this same post a hundred times, and have never really been able to finish it. I think because I don't know how to tie it up in the end, because there are a hundred things I want to say, and tomorrow I'll want to say it differently. I think I have a hard time with this because I don't want to be known as that girl with PCOS. That girl that can't get pregnant. I just want to be me, without a label. And before I told anyone when people would ask, "So when are you gonna start having babies? When's your time? Aren't you gonna have a kid yet?" and all those fun questions, I could just joke with them, or ignore them, or be bitchy to them (which I've done – and not been really proud of later – but it felt justified at the moment.) But now, are random people going to think they have a right to tell me how to get pregnant, or to ask what day I'm on in my cycle? Maybe, but that's ok. I'm going to deal with it. Because I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't let some of this out….and I know that people ask because they care, or well most do. And I know that sometimes, as tough as I want to be, I need someone to tell me that they're praying for me, and that there is still hope somehow. And maybe there's someone else out there who is struggling and I want them to know that they're not alone and it's not all craziness (because have you ever looked at some of those Message Boards? I haven't since I was diagnosed because they can be just downright depressing.)

So I have many more thoughts on mandatory every other day sex, and the unwanted advice about when I should be having my kids (have them now! no wait 10 years! No now – no later), and the things people say that they think are helpful, and even the questions I have for God. But here it is, the beginning of my PCOS story. This chapter of our family's life. And most importantly, I want to record this and remember this because when I do have four kids, whether from an IUI, adoption, or something just finally aligning right-I think I'm going to forget the hurt and the tears that I have today.

Having a bad day? Not anymore!

I can at least say it’s over

So…..last week – last week sucked. It started out with a nice little chat with a uniformed officer of the law. You see, I didn't have my seatbelt on. And it happened to be "Click It or Ticket Week." Yep, that means a Ticket for me. 5 Bucks – but still, everyone heard my name on the scanner and I no longer got to say that I NEVER received a ticket. So, I was whining about it. "Ruins my record – I've never gotten anything other than some verbal warnings – blah blah blah." Well that was Wednesday, Thursday brought a new day….and a much more expensive ticket. That's right; I got a second ticket within about 36 hours of the first one. I was going about 70 in a 65…but the 65 switches to a 55 and my mind was elsewhere (I was practicing my Matron of Honor speech!) And I definitely received a much higher price on that one. Thursday was also a long day, not just with how it ended but also how it started. I didn't get much sleep the night before in anticipation of my morning. You see, I was a witness in a criminal trial. It sucked and was sufficiently scary – though it really was only for a couple of fraudulent checks. At least this time I hadn't seen someone die in my front yard (let me be straight though-I only had to give a statement for that.) But I was questioned, and then cross-examined, and then re-questioned, and re-cross-examined. Never have I been so happy to hear "No Objection" as when they asked for me to be released from my subpoena. I had really been freaking for a while before it and Mark was trying to help me out. He told me that it would all soon be over and that I would be able to chalk it all up to life experiences. Well I'm sorry, but I think I'm about done with these new life experiences.

Remember when it was cool to NOT be on Facebook?

Everybody's on Facebook. Every business, nationwide or local, every charity, everybody's dog is on Facebook. It's interesting to see what it has become and the info you can find there. But, also the connections are amazing. You used to play the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, well now it's about Three Degrees of Facebook. The other day I was on hotels.com taking a look at some hotel rooms for a vacation that Mark and I may or may not be taking…and of course the website told me to Like them on Facebook. Well, ok, that's fine. I did. But I'm really starting to worry about the state of our world when I took a look at their FB page ….. and found that hotels.com had "Liked" Vanilla Ice. I mean really, what is Facebook coming to!?

Complimentary

On Sunday, I was feeling slightly nostalgic and romantic. Mark didn't go to the farm so that he could spend the whole day home with his wife. We went to church, had dinner, worked outside and got quite a bit done. It was great, I loved it. At one point I leaned over to him and said, "Honey, why did you marry me?" I know it's horrible….but sometimes I just want to hear a compliment – no matter how demanded it may be! And for once it seemed like Mark really thought about it and wanted to say something real. So he thought about and then responded "You always keep me on my toes."

WAIT………….WHAT???????

I think he just called me crazy. He married me because I'm bat-shit crazy. Awesome, I'm glad I fished for that one.

Yes, that’s me you are hearing

So I've had a great few weeks at work. My boss made a point to stop in my office and tell me that I was doing a good job. And he's not one to give empty flattery. I've more than doubled our average weekly sales, we've set a sustainable goal for our business, and I really just feel like everything is going in a positive direction…..AND I just did my first live shift on the air as well as my first night on Severe Weather Duty. All of our regular on air personalities had a charity event (ok so it was the local Chamber's golf scramble – but whatever) and so I covered it. I was so pumped. Freaking a little, but also mainly pumped. And it was good that I had so much practice, as yesterday I got called in from 4- about 10:30 for a severe thunderstorm watch. And also about 45 minutes worth of a warning. When we're in a warning, it's no-music/non-stop talking. Which would normally be an easy thing for me. But I want to make sure that I'm giving accurate, up to date info for my listeners….all while not saying ummmm, ummmm, ummmmm the entire time.

So it's been fun, it's been a learning experience. But I'm doing something I absolutely love. The only issue that the program director may have now…..is that I want to do it more.

Quiet

This morning as I was checking my blogroll, I came across a great video shared by Piece of Cake. As I started to listen, I was distracted by what I had on TV. While catching up on all my blogs I also was trying to catch up on all my DVR'd shows. But I had missed a little of what they were saying on "The Talk" so I rewound. But then I missed part of the song that Laura from Piece of Cake shared, so I started her video over. And then I looked up to watch the TV show. Ugh….this wasn't working-so I paused the TV so I could concentrate on the video. Then, I flipped over to some other blogs I had opened on other tabs. But then I thought, no I want to see this video. So I went back to Piece of Cake's blog to watch the video while listening, but before I knew it I had opened up the latest game of Spider Solitaire that I always have going.

I mean seriously, it was if I was incapable of slowing down and focusing on one thing at the time. Why? What is wrong with my generation? I always have the computer up while I'm watching TV. Or maybe I'm reading a book. While in the truck with Mark, I'm reading or playing crossword on my Kindle instead of just talking. And when I do dishes or am cleaning – the TV's on for at least some background noise, or I've got the music blaring.

Now, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with listening to some music while you're cleaning…but my point is that it is never quiet. I am never solely concentrating on what it is I'm doing. It seems like even when I have my iTunes pulled up on my computer just so I can clean dishes, I'm also thinking about my playlist and maybe searching for a song, or maybe buying a new song.

At the Radio Station, I always have the radio going. It's always playing into my right ear. And when I first started working here, it took a little getting used to. So by the time I left from work, I would leave and just shut my radio off in my car and just drive home in silence. It was a wonderful, peaceful feeling. That feeling of quietness. And it's something that I need to WORK to find more often. So right now, I'm asking you to pause the TV (tell your husband I told you to do it). Don't open another browser or another tab. Don't start thinking about what's for supper, or what's on your grocery list, and don't look at the ledge that needs to be dusted. Just sit and be still….

Now, listen to this. Listen to each word.

Green Beans

I have a new favorite snack. Well…..I have a couple new favorite snacks. If you follow me on twitter (what? You don't? You should! Not that I'm that interesting…but you already know that if you're reading my blog) I ate the heck out of a bag of trail mix today at work. That stuff is ridiculously addictive. BUT the snack that I am really excited about is fresh green beans. I got a bag of green beans from the fresh produce section at the store – and opened it before I got out of the parking lot. Mmmm-mmmmm. Delicious. I can't wait until my own garden full of green beans and such are all ready.

Oh yes, Mark and I did actually get a bit of our garden planted. Corn, green beans, peas, and more. Specials thanks to our wonderful neighbors for a sampler box of seeds. This is my first year with a garden…and basically I have no idea what I'm doing. So, if nothing grows I am sure it will be my fault and not the fault of the seeds. But oh man, I cannot wait for something, anything really to grow out there. Especially so that I can just drive around and snack on some more green beans!

VACAY!!

I have a demand for this summer. Mark and I WILL take a vacation. I want to get in another big, fun vacation before we start a family. I think I'd like a beach…..but I doubt that's going to happen. We have a little game in our family when we have to make a decision, typically it's just a "where are we going to eat" kinda decision. But one person will pick three options, a second person will eliminate one option, and then someone else picks between the two for the final decision. See how that works?! It's so handy, helps to eliminate that weird "you decide where we eat" "no you decide."

So I have three choices as to where we should go this summer.

1. Savannah, Georgia – I have for years wanted to visit Savannah. I want to experience all of that history and Southern charm and architecture and food. But it's quite a distance to travel.
   
2. Chicago – Everyone has to visit Chicago once, right? And please the food!? Plus I had a friend tell me that there are tons of free activities, and it's within driving distance.
   
3. Nashville – The Grand Ole Opry would be amazing, but I also think I would just want to go and listen to live music every night. Good music comes out of Nashville, but at the same time….there's lots of crap country too. I don't want to get only pulled into the touristy stuff.
   

So what do you think? I'd love your opinions. Maybe you can "eliminate" one of the options and then Mark will choose between the last two….of course we still have to find both the money and the time to have the vacay…..but surely we can make that happen, right?

Back Pain

I have a theory….that back pain is contagious. Two of my co-workers have had their backs out of whack this past week and just yesterday I was talking to a friend here in town, and she was hardly able to walk. She could barely get out of her home to get to the chiropractors.

And so this morning, when I woke up, whatdoyouknow, my back hurts. I have this one spot on the lower right side of my back that periodically will go out and everything swells up and I walk around like an old lady all day.

And of course this happens when I'm on my way to a concert for the evening, followed by sleeping in a strange bed with someone that I don't know very well. (Don't worry-I'm not sleeping around on my husband, and then blogging about it – but I will be sharing a Queen sized bed in a hotel, most likely with one of my neighbors…hope she likes snuggling!)

So I'm wearing flats, no cute heels for the evening, and when the concert is over, I'll be lying flat on my back all night, with one of those great little bags of hotel ice under me, and perhaps a pillow to my side, to keep me from spooning anyone. I'll make sure to keep you updated!

A List for you to read

1. I have attended four showers in the past 8 days. I have decided that I love sherbet punch and I suck at fill in the blank nursery rhymes.
   
2. While on my way to the aforementioned baby shower, I realized I had not yet signed the card. There's construction on the road at a bridge, and so they have the stoplights in the middle of nowhere so you can go one lane at a time. I was stopped at the light with a car in front of me, so I decided to sign the card real quick. I pulled it out to on top of my wheel and began signing with my usual flourish – but when I pushed too hard on the pen….I honked the horn. I honked the horn, while behind another car – at a red light! I waved my hands frantically and shook my head no – "Sorry Sorry Sorry!!" I doubt they heard me though.
   
3. I had a garage sale yesterday. I forgot how serious some people are. I had a guy here 30 minutes before the advertised start time, just jamming out in his car right in front of my house. I had about 5 or 6 cars total all watching me put out my stuff and come running at about 6:55. My wonderful, sweet, awesome, badass of a husband helped me out all day. I love him. And yes, I might be trying to suck up a bit after all he did.
   
4. Mark also tilled up a garden for me. We got some green beans, peas, spaghetti squash, cucumbers, green onions, maybe some other stuff. We'll be getting some tomatoes that have already been started. Basically Mark and I have decided that we don't have enough things to argue about, nor do I have enough stuff to kill. And it will only be slightly annoying when our nice tilled up rectangle remains empty…..on our corner lot that everyone drives past. I kinda feel like a farmer who has their land on the highway.
   
5. We've had some ups and downs as a family the past few months. Health problems, job changes, and big decisions. Through it all though, I have seen the hand of God present in our lives more than ever.
   
6. I'm going to see the Civil Wars this weekend with a co-worker and some other good music devotees. I am terribly excited, and you should be jealous. If you're saying, "The Civil Wars? Who's that? I thought that was just a time in our nation's history." And to that I say, please check them out. Your ears and your soul deserve it.
   
7. We bought a king sized bed a couple months ago. Mark and I really like it! And Cody loves it. Sometimes, he's harder to get out of bed than I am.
   
8. Yes, my dog is spoiled.
   
9. There's no nine.
   
10. Or ten, sorry….apparently I am out of words for the evening. Or just the energy to type them out and make them into complete sentences, specifically sentences that make sense and are interesting.

Decorating with the husband

I love decorating my home and I tend toward the shabby chic style. Lots of antiques and re-purposed items and mainly just lots of stuff. But I love the cozy feeling and I love it all just kinda put together in a natural come-together kind of way. Tonight, after I finished my coffee filter wreath, my husband asked me where I was going to hang it....

I said, Ok, you'll have to follow me with this. I want to move the coat rack by the door out and move that mirror in the kitchen over there. Then the screen that hangs behind the tv will go where the mirror is and my wreath will either go over the screen or maybe just where the screen used to be or Maybe I'll just put it right here in the middle of this wall and move all of these picture frames somewhere else...

And my wonderful husband, he understood the whole thing, didn't question it, told me that he thought the wreath might be too big to go on the one wall and I should try it over in a corner. And then, he told me I should hot glue the scrabble pieces that spell out our last name onto their little holder so they don't get knocked off (and so my Cody dog doesn't eat anymore letters.)

How I love that guy, not only does he not question my craziness - he actually helps and encourages me.

Something sweet to say for my sweetie...

Nothing says "I love you" like Bertolli out of a bag, with a little extra cream cheese....and a little K-State basketball.

I Love You, Mark Donald. Happy Valentine's Day!

You have always had so much faith in our relationship and in me. I thank you for that. You've always been my biggest fan.

I tried saying this to you on your birthday, and I ended up blubbering like an idiot. But I want you to know that I am your biggest fan-and that I believe in you so much. You are going to make amazing things happen for our family, and I have no doubt of that. I can't wait until you are able to follow your dreams of being a farmer. And I can't wait until you are the father of our children (all 5 of them!) You are mi corazon. You are my favorite.

And you buy me massages....so I really like you too.

You are not 13...and even if you are...

Never use the word lurve...ever. Just never ever say that. Not lurve, not luurve, not lurrrve, and please never ever LLUURRRRRVVE.

Just gross.

Life Lessons

I have 25 wonderful years under me. I am a married woman, I drive a stick shift and have a college degree. And yet….. I still have no idea how to paint my toenails. I am just in general nail painting incapable. Why is it such a difficult task? I'd get them done professionally more, but it never lasts that long, and it costs too much – it costs about the same as getting a full body hour long massage here in town. So ya, the nails are not quite worth the $40 price tag to me. But then again, considering the amount of talent and skill they must have (and that I lack) I can kinda understand it.

And while we're on the subject of things that are ridiculously hard for me….have you ever noticed that the side of the Kraft Mac and Cheese box says "To Open Push Here"? There is no way that you can actually open the box by pushing there. No way, I promise. And yes, I realize the irony of talking about my maturity level and Kraft Mac and Cheese in the same blog post….whatever.

And yet I do have one redeeming factoid (factoid? Really?) to actually prove that I am a functioning adult capable of ……..well adult-type things--- when you use cling wrap or aluminum foil or something along those lines – on the sides push in the little triangle things-they will hold the roll in the box, as you pull out the cling wrap.

You are welcome.

You probably don’t want to come over if I’m cleaning

I've decided that I want to be more intentional in life. I want to be intentional about how I spend my money, how I spend my time, what I eat, etc. So, one night last week Mark and I sat down to work on our budget and talk about a "daily to do list" to help keep our house a little cleaner (a la flylady.net).

As I worked on inputting stuff onto our mint.com budget (you should definitely check out mint-easy to use, and it's important to know where you plan to spend your money and where already have spent your money) I handed Mark my chore list that I had use previously and told him to add anything or change anything that he thought needed to be done, and to add some stuff that he normally does.

I love me a list…at work I will often put something that I have already done or am in the process of doing-just so I can cross it off. Every day I check my email, and yet I still put it on my to do list, so that I just have that feeling of accomplishing something. And so I try to do a little of the same with my clean the house chore list.

But anyways, back to the list that Mark was working on. He had been trying to humor me with my sudden need for order and action, but I think he had had enough. He handed me back the list I had used before, with his few changes. On Monday nights, apparently I'm now supposed to vacuum the upstairs naked. Tuesdays call for dusting naked. And how exciting for Wednesday, can't wait until I can cross off grocery shopping naked.

So ya, I got what I was probably asking for. But I guess I've figured Mark doesn't really care if I leave clothes on the floor….just so long as mine are there as well.

Just keep swinging, just keep swinging

Well I finally did it….I got off my ass-and off this damn computer- and went running. I went to the dirt road a little down the way from us and ran "flat mile." Mark told me it's probably a 2 ½ mile roundtrip from our house. I estimated it at about 7 or 10 miles. I haven't measured it yet though to be sure, because I can't get my legs working long enough to get all the way out to my car to go drive it.

I didn't take my iPod with me, and so I was forced to sing to myself to help keep me going. I tried all those tricks I had from back when I was in 8^th grade running the two-mile for track. Yes, I even sang the President song that I learned back in 5^th grade. I kept picturing the mother of one of my classmates, yelling at me "Just keep swinging your arms!" And so I did, I kept swinging and singing the President song, repeating my memory verses for the Beth Moore Scripture challenge. And yet, it seemed when I would look back up to see the literal end of the road, it had gotten further away.

But I did it, and I'm at least one day in, hopefully with tomorrow I'll be two days into making myself healthier and more importantly, skinnier.

At least I can’t make it through the whole alphabet

I try to be very polite and courteous and considerate of others, for the most part……and yet…..

……..I just burped at work

 

I just burped at work, LOUDLY….

And someone was in the kitchen, which is right next to my office, and you can't cough and cover that up. You can't light a candle to try to hide it. There's nothing I can do.

I've never burped at work before, well maybe when I was at the bank, but that was for the entertainment value, so it doesn't really count.

I don't know what to do, how will I ever be able to walk out of my office and face anyone again?! This is pure mortification.

 

Whoops-just did it again….at least it makes me feel better!