Life as a Farm Wife

I spent who knows how long this morning going back and forth about creating a whole new blog or just updating this rusty, old thing. Well my decision is obvious, as this is an update with just the Blog Post being titled "Life as a Farm Wife" instead of a whole new blog. My decision is only partly based on my enjoyment of going back and reading old posts but mainly centers around the difficulty of naming a whole new blog with something "unique" and not already taken by the plethora of other farm wife's out there!

So a few things have changed since the last time I updated this blog. In fact, the day after my last post (June 29th, 2012) I found out I was pregnant! After 4 years of struggling with infertility, it was an amazing moment. That positive pregnancy test came after our 3rd cycle of shots in the stomach, every other day visits to the clinic that was 2 hours away, followed up with an IUI, and yes - it was all worth it.

I got huge! And I have to explain- the reason the belly's hanging out the bottom was because I wore that same outfit in every picture as we documented the bump. Also this picture was literally like an hour before we went to the hospital. We were scheduled to go in, to be induced, so no middle of the night madman rush to the hospital, which Mark was disappointed by (but seriously, we lived 2 blocks from the hospital, I doubt it would have been that crazy.)

This is when Mommy and Clarabelle Hope got to see each other for the first time. She is beautiful.

 

Here we are during last year's harvest. This was actually on my birthday, June 30th.

 

At our wonderful friends' wedding (the Cantillon's). Both Mark and I were honored to stand up as part of the wedding party.

 Showing off her masterful skill of quickly and quietly climbing everything. We have now resorted to only using folding chairs in the kitchen so we can fold them up after we're done eating.

There are hundreds of other pictures I want to share to document how adorable and rambunctious and sweet my little girl is....but I just want this to be an update of the past 2 years! Another exciting, scary, and long awaited thing is that we have moved to the farm. You might have noticed in the above picture that the dining room looks very different than the previous pictures I have shared of our house. Our house in town, that I absolutely love, is for sale. It was our first home, I spent hours-days-weeks updating and painting and decorating so that it felt like "us" when you walked in. The farmhouse we have moved into was Mark's grandparents. And if you have ever moved into a family member's previous home, you know the difficulties and emotions that come with it. But there are many wonderful things about being able to live on the farm-being out in the country, so close for Mark, it really will be wonderful. Yep I now truly get to experience everything that goes along with being a farmer's wife, including the "trips to town" I remember from growing up - where those 10-12minute drives into town seem like such a chore, and any chance you are in a town with a Wal-Mart or equivalent store requires a stop because who knows when the next time you'll be there will be.

And so....such is life. The Minutes that are purely Miranda's are few and far between. But life has become much more enjoyable and meaningful in the hectic moments. And I hope to keep updating and documenting all of my minutes.

praying...

Today I am believing in putting it out there, asking for help, and the power of prayer. If you could please say a quick prayer for Mark and I and our family, we would much appreciate it. Thank you!

PCOS

I have PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically it means that it's hard for me to get pregnant. I don't ovulate regularly, if at all. PCOS is the leading cause of infertility and that is how we discovered that I had it, after unsuccessfully trying for awhile. I'll give you a little bit of our history – but I want to say that there are so many different things that go on in my head and that change about how I'm feeling day to day, that I have been scared for over a year to write this post. But I'll explain that more in a little bit.

Mark and I stopped using any form of birth control after we had been married for about 9 months. I always imagined having kids really young, and I also always thought that I was probably going to have a hard time getting pregnant because I was so irregular and that's why I had been on birth control since my sophomore year of college. After about a year and a half of no birth control, not really thinking about what day of my cycle I was, and nothing happening – I wanted to go to the Dr. I know it takes two years, sometimes it takes longer, I knew all that stuff but I was still worried. And so I went to the Dr., I explained what was going on, she ordered a sonogram and it was pretty clear from the beginning that I had PCOS. So we started on Metformin, an anti-diabetic that has shown to help women with PCOS. And it helped-right away my periods became more regular. I also lost 10 pounds because my testosterone levels went down. We tried that for awhile…still nothing. So Mark went to the Dr. and found out he had a low sperm count. So he went on meds, and his Doctor recommended we look into IUIs. Intrauterine Insemination. Basically AI for my cattle friends. We were happy to find that a clinic in the town 35 minutes from us did IUIs and that we weren't going to have to travel over 2 hours for this. After meeting with the Doctor from the clinic, I was put on Chlomid, along with my Metformin. Mark was put on Chlomid to keep his numbers up and I started to feel like there was some hope. It's been 6 more months since that meeting, and still nothing. We have only managed to do 2 IUIs, along with a whole lot of old fashioned baby-making with all of us all drugged up. And still…..nothing. That's made it 3 years since I went off bc. And I swear, if anyone tells me, well you weren't really "trying" for 3 years so don't worry – I will scream. Just because I wasn't counting days and I wasn't regular and wasn't on a whole bunch of meds that are supposed to make this thing work…doesn't mean that I didn't hurt every time I got a Negative on my little stick.

And so, where exactly does that leave me now? Hurt, scared, exhausted, emotional (Good Golly I'm emotional). But also guilty and ashamed and mainly just sad. Call me crazy (and many will) but I always imagined in my mind that I would have my fourth baby by the time I was 31-32ish. And I know I'm still a long way from there (I just turned 26 on Thursday) but it feels like those years are coming on a lot quicker than I ever thought with not a bunch of hope for our current methods. But at the same time, I also feel guilty for all these feelings. There are women who have been trying for 8 Years-10 Years, women who have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, women who have been dealing with these feelings for so much longer, that I almost feel as if I have no right to feel sad, hurt, scared, and exhausted.

I have started this same post a hundred times, and have never really been able to finish it. I think because I don't know how to tie it up in the end, because there are a hundred things I want to say, and tomorrow I'll want to say it differently. I think I have a hard time with this because I don't want to be known as that girl with PCOS. That girl that can't get pregnant. I just want to be me, without a label. And before I told anyone when people would ask, "So when are you gonna start having babies? When's your time? Aren't you gonna have a kid yet?" and all those fun questions, I could just joke with them, or ignore them, or be bitchy to them (which I've done – and not been really proud of later – but it felt justified at the moment.) But now, are random people going to think they have a right to tell me how to get pregnant, or to ask what day I'm on in my cycle? Maybe, but that's ok. I'm going to deal with it. Because I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't let some of this out….and I know that people ask because they care, or well most do. And I know that sometimes, as tough as I want to be, I need someone to tell me that they're praying for me, and that there is still hope somehow. And maybe there's someone else out there who is struggling and I want them to know that they're not alone and it's not all craziness (because have you ever looked at some of those Message Boards? I haven't since I was diagnosed because they can be just downright depressing.)

So I have many more thoughts on mandatory every other day sex, and the unwanted advice about when I should be having my kids (have them now! no wait 10 years! No now – no later), and the things people say that they think are helpful, and even the questions I have for God. But here it is, the beginning of my PCOS story. This chapter of our family's life. And most importantly, I want to record this and remember this because when I do have four kids, whether from an IUI, adoption, or something just finally aligning right-I think I'm going to forget the hurt and the tears that I have today.

2011 Goals

Screw resolutions, I'm going to try to make actual goals. Goals are measurable statements with a time frame. My time frame will be all of 2010, some shorter. Cause Lord knows that just saying "I'm going to try to be healthier" isn't gonna really make me change anything. So here goes…

Goals for 2011:

1. Lose 20 pounds by my sister's wedding-June 4, 2011
   
2. Memorize 24 verses, as part of Beth Moore's challenge
   
3. Create and keep track of a budget every month (notice I didn't necessarily say "stay within" – I want these goals to be reachable.)
   
4. Finish the basement of our house, and get halfway through either the kitchen or the bathroom-or at least halfway saved up to what it'll cost
   
5. Create and follow a weekly chore list (for me and Mark) because doing a little bit each day is way better than freaking out on the weekend or having a case of the CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)
   
6. Run a half-marathon (crap I've never told anyone that-but right now, I'm all for putting it out there- you might understand why if you read my last post.)
   
7. Buy a new car-and by new I mean newer than what I have now.
   
8. Be a better wife – ok that one's kinda objective, and might not be measurable….but I'm guessing Mark would have a few things we could count (less fights and more….I'm not gonna say it, but I'm sure you can guess it.)
   
9. Get pregnant, yes another "I'm putting it out there" moment. Prayers for this one from you guys…. And maybe Mark will get a "better wife" this way.
   

That's it. That's what I've got. We'll see where we stand this time next year!

God's Blessings for your New Year!

True Fan

Yesterday a lady came into work, and after seeing all of the KSU purple around, and a little bit of that KU stuff, she remarked that her initials were actually K S U. And so now I'm mad that I didn't marry a man with the last inital of U so that all of my babies could have their initials be KSU!!!

Sorry honey, but you know it's the truth. I guess we'll just have to just give our kids two middle names. I'll have to start thinking on the U part.

Kathy Sue Uma?
Kevin Scott Ulysses?

We'll work on it, we've got time.

I will be taking bribes

Tonight I have to judge babies, you know..... for a baby contest. When I was in school, I participated in 4-H. I took my steer and my horse. I also took a lamb one year and even participated in the Round Robin, where you show pigs and dairy cattle and all the other large animals. These animals are judged, not only by how well you show them, but also by how muscular they look, how lean and well they fit into the desired look of the animal and the judges poke them in the sides or the backend or wherever they need to, all to decide which animal is the best. There's careful considerations and reasons, things that sound like, "I placed 1 over 2 because of the uniformity across the top of the loin, something something blah blah." I don't know, I started spacing out because I was always in the bottom pair and basically they would just tell me that I had a crappy animal that wasn't even fit to eat.

But, my question is, how do I judge babies? Do I get to squeeze their cute little fat rolls before making any decisions?

My Favorite Guests at the Party

Last week when we had some friends come over to see our new house, it became Baby Central. Our neighbors from our "old" house brought over their 6 month old Kade, our friends brought their adorable little 4 month old Boone (we're good buddies-Boone and I), and our cousin who had approx. 55 hours to go before she went into labor also was there. It was all too much fun. The girls sat around and talked babies and the little boys laid around and flirted with the girls.

When we bought this house, with the five bedrooms, everyone commented on how we had better start filling it up. Now I don't know how quickly that will happen, but I do think it may be necessary for me to go ahead and paint a nursery and get a crib-just so I can entice my friends to come over more often or even leave their little ones with Mark and I for awhile when needed.

And I of course have to mention that our cousin did go into labor early Tuesday morning and we have a new little cousin that I am so excited to meet, and meet very soon!

It's getting dangerous now....

This Easter Sunday, my husband and I traveled to his parents for sunrise service and Easter lunch. I was terribly excited, but not for the beautiful service or the delicious ham and deviled eggs (yumm-a favorite of mine) or even so much the chance to drink pop again. But instead, I was excited to hold and love on and enjoy and just eat up the yumminess of a 2 week old baby. Little boo-boo (the nickname bestowed upon him by his mommy and sister-poor kid!) is a snuggle worm and oh goodness-the smell of that beautiful baby's little head. If that could only be bottled and sold. Oh heavens, this blog is turning into a mommy blog and I'm not even a mommy! But all I can talk about is babies!

BabyLand

Happy Easter Weekend! I'm headed down early to my in-laws so that I can clock as much time with my beautiful new little 2 week old cousin. I don't know when I shall make it back from BabyLand.

Be quiet, tiny little voice in my head. I don't need one for myself-no matter what you say!